I can’t help but want to shake (in a loving fashion of course) people who email me and tell me how they struggle with being friends with an ex–just to get them back.
If you’re having a tough time dealing with the breakup… there’s no question about that your heart is tattered. You’re broken. You’ve spent the last few weeks sucking in air between your two front teeth just to keep yourself from falling into a dark abyss of another cry attack.
You can’t eat. You can’t drink. You feel like you’re just a small a fragment of the person you thought you once were. Your world is completely turned upside down. My heart truly goes out to you.
Does coping with a breakup when you and your ex remain friends impossible? Well… to be honest, it’s next to impossible.
Why?
I know it feels counter-intuitive to not pick up the phone when your ex calls or answer a text message asking you to meet up.
I mean…Heck, you want them back and if they show any interest in you even after the fact they broke up with you… THEN THIS IS YOUR CHANCE IN GETTING THEM BACK, RIGHT?!
… um… Wrong.
What you do after a breakup will either put nail the coffin shut on of your once wonderful relationship or help you and your ex work together to rebuild and strengthen a new relationship. Being friends with an ex so soon after a breakup makes it so much tougher to get them back.
Your ex initially broke up with you for their own reasons. Regardless of how much you wish you can change their mind, trying to convince them that they made a mistake or that you’ll change your ways is futile (because when it comes down to it, the only person whose feelings you have any control over is yourself).
This is when some people may decide to use the backdoor of being friends with their ex to win them back. This method is essentially people trying to manipulate their ex into falling back in love with them.
Here are three reasons why being friends with an ex will do more damage than good.
Table of contents:
Mika
Mika loves to help others overcome their transparent beliefs that prevent them from having the love they want. She does regular live online presentations on thriving relationships where she also answers live questions. Mika is not a fan of being tickled and one day Clay will realize this as they have way too many tickle fights.
27 Responses to Good Idea or Bad Idea? Being Friends With An Ex
Leave a Reply
As Seen On…
Good Stuff Mika :)
[Reply]
Mika Replied:
Thanks, Rashmi
Hope you’re doing well:)
[Reply]
That’s very familiar. I tried to be friends with my ex few months after the break up and tried to convince myself it was not to have him back. I was lying to myself and it interfered me to move on. In fact, I didn’t move on until I stopped trying to keep in touch with him. I agree with you in the reasons and consequences of being friends with an ex right after the end of the relationship.
However, after the healing time, I am friends with him. Time has passed and I see him as a friend, not close friend, but someone familiar, we know very well each other and it’s easy now to be friends.
[Reply]
Mika Replied:
Maria,
Being friends with an ex when you haven’t moved on from loving him is so hard. I know there are a lot of people who try to convince themselves that they are over their ex but in fact aren’t–and they discover that the hard way. But yes, I definitely agree that once time has passed and you’ve had a lot of time to heal from the break up, it is quite possible to be friends again. Thank you so much for sharing your story, Maria:)
[Reply]
I had a child with a man who had pursued me for three years even though he was married. I gave in for one weekend because I was tired of being lonely and it just seemed easier – I was extremely depressed by then but flaming out in forced gaiety. I fell pregnant on the weekend and (I know this sounds stupid but I had not had a period for two years when this happened due to medication I was on and should not have been ovulating) did not notice until it was too late. I was also very old and quite frankly just wanted a baby badly so unconciously I probably did set it up – but was really not aware of what was happening consciously. I was teaching about 450 kids at the time every week – I had 14 separate classes and 5 different syllabuses and I had never taught before. I should have kept it a secret and walked away but teachers get paid very badly where I live and I was scared and so I contacted him. He asked me to be his secret mistress but I could not face keeping my child secret and being under his control. It had been bad enough up until then. So I told his wife and did not see him for 3 years except to have genetic tests done and get the maintenance sorted out. All good and well, we were managing it was hard but we were blessed with friends and love and we made it. And then his wife chucked him out and he came straight to me and three years later I started paying for my sins big time. Since then, my daughter is now seven, I get recurrent abusive phone calls from his wife (I just put the phone on the table and let her rave on, I have apologised until I am blue in the face but she can’t forgive me – would you?) and recurrent episodes where he starts up innocuous sounding lets be friends chats (which mean she is being a shit again) and I feel like I am caught in an endless web of comings and goings that have never had anything to do with me. They need a football to articulate their marriage and I am it! I get better the longer I don’t hear from them but just as I am about to turn the corner and get away it all starts up again – sorry to go about this. The trick is everyone says I must stay in touch because now my daughter knows him and loves him even if she hardly gets to see him, I owe her. But I have begun to think I owe her a happy mummy more. I am depressed, angry, suicidal every time it starts up again – I want to destroy myself for being so stupid – I knew at the time I should not go but I did. My daughter is such a wonderful child I want to just finally say you know what **Ck it I had you and I love you and I enjoy our lives together and NEVER EVER EVER have to see that man again. And then she has no father! I have never been able to date or be with another man since him – the is never really enough time to get better besides which I never go out at all unless she is with me and I have a really bad attitude to men so whatever. I don’t care but I don’t know if I am brave enough to deny her what little father she has for my own mental health. I never even was able to establish if I loved him!
[Reply]
Mika Replied:
Thank you for sharing your story.
Sounds like things have been really tough for you. Keep in mind that the past is the past. The more you beat yourself up over what you did or what happened, the more you’re going too struggle on taking you and your daughter’s life in a forward direction. Forgive yourself. Is this man a good father to your daughter? Does he acknowledge her as his own? Do they already have a good relationship? If he show signs of being a good father who wants to play a role in his daughter’s life, I would give him a chance to do so. Yes, he may suck as a husband or a lover, but for your daughter’s sake, if he can be a good father to her, than let him.
However, if he isn’t reliable or struggles playing the father role, for your daughter’s best interest, it may be a good idea to break contact until he’s ready to be a good father. Also, if you’re tired of being in the middle of him and his wife– walk away (you have ever right and power to do so). Create and define the boundaries on what kind of behaviors you’ll tolerate from people. Yes, this won’t be easy but being caught in the middle sounds more difficult. You’re daughter can have a father without you being emotionally attached to someone who you know will only break your heart and lacks commitment to being in a relationship (hence his cheating ways).
Your #1 priority right now is your daughter. If he wants to be a good father and shows signs he can follow through… allow that to be. But if he’s detrimental to your mental health and your daughter’s… then I would cut your losses. I personally think that not having a father growing up is a lot better than having a bad father growing up. Just my thoughts. Thanks for stopping by:)
[Reply]
sorry for going on a bit!
[Reply]
Mika Replied:
No problem, that’s what I’m here for. xx! Mika
[Reply]
Because if my financial situation, I have remained close friends w my ex. He has helped me more than my family. I love being. around him, of course I am in love w him. It gets harder though instead of easier. My heart breaks when I know he is going on a date. I have been out w friends but no dates yet. It has been 6 months since the breakup and it seems to be getting harder. I miss him every day! I can say that I have taken the time to find myself again & I am not chasing him but I wait to hear the I miss you or ask me if I wanna go do something. It is pathetic but I am afraid he will forget me if I totally disappear.
[Reply]
Mika Replied:
It’s a natural response many people have when they fear the one they love will forget them–hold on as much as they can. It sounds like you haven’t had time to really “get over” the breakup. He’s dating other people and still gets the benefit of having you in his life– what a lucky man. I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through:( It sounds like you would rather have pieces of him than none at all…a big indicator you’re coming from a place of need rather then want. Remember when you and him first started dating? You only wanted to be with him. Later down the road, that kind of want turned into a “need” where your whole emotional well being relied on him to make you feel good. Depending on the health of someone’s mindset, the desire for their partner can go from want to need really quick, which usually stresses out the relationship even more.
My advice if you really want him back is to allow him to experience what it really feels like not having you in his life. Right now, you’re not giving him the consequences of the breakup which makes it really hard for him to fathom life without you. This also lets him know that he’ll always have someone on the back burner when he ever feels lonely (do you really want that role?). Whatever happens, I hope you know that you are soooooo worth the love and relationship you want. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Much love to you. –Mika
[Reply]
Ah, Mika, I’m so happy I found your site via another site (thinksimplenow). I’ve been going through an emotional mess, debating if and how I should end my two-year relationship. I love/hate the man so much. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy in many ways but we’re both emotionally messed up and finding it hard to meet each other’s needs. It’s so hard to explain. I’m going to spend my evening on your blog later. :D
[Reply]
Mika Replied:
Oh Julie!
Clay & I LOVE getting to know our readers! So glad you reached out.
This blog is the makeup of both of our own mindset that’s really helped us overcome the pain and tribulations of past broken relationships.
If there are certain relationship topics you would love us to write about, let me know– I’m always open to blog post ideas:)
[Reply]
As I am in this boat currently, I definitely can identify with the post!
What a fun blog, guys! I look forward to getting a chance to further explore it.
-Andi
[Reply]
Mika Replied:
Andi,
Thanks for stopping by! Your travel blog looks just as fun:)
[Reply]
Thankyou for the article. I am going through a very difficult time.
I met an amazing man just after I ended an engagement. I was weak and vulnerable and thought he was amazing but I was just not ready for comitment though we were intimate. Eventually I gave in to be with him and he kept on blaming me for my past mistakes and the way I treated him when I wasn’t ready. He kept on breaking up with me. Eventually he lost his job and I was there for him and helped him find a new job. He got his confidence back and starting enjoying time with his friends and not me. We were still intimate. The past week he has rejected and abandoned me. Said we can’t be together and it will never work. I went to surprise him at home to give him a christmas gift and wanted to take him to the airport. He said I was acting like a psycho and stalker. I know deep down I know this relationship was not good. I thought he was my prince charming in the beginning. How do I move on now?
[Reply]
Hi Mika my advise is never be friends with your ex. My EX because she wont leave the house and i cant because i have to take care of my 4 kids is because everytime her phone rings and it guy it really is pain full we have been married for 22 years and i know i still love her but i will never forgiver her or be able to trust her again because this is the second time so i really just have to deal with for the sake of my kids thanks for everything you guys do.
[Reply]
I agree totally with your blog. It is the same as other friends have said to me. However, we have been each others rock, emotionally, financially and everything else for 13 years. We were best friends, married for almost 10years and most importantly have 3 beautiful boys together.
He works away for 2 weeks and is home for 1 week. He rings them most days and we need to talk about them, and the house we still own together.
Letting go of his friendship as well is almost a little more than i think i can bear. I have lost a few friends already throughout the separation process, as sometimes happens. We have already almost torn each other apart emotionally during the past 7 months because of the hurt and pain etc. He has also been living in the house with us for most of that time. He only just moved out 2 weeks ago.
This is a very difficult concept to me and really not sure how to handle it.
Deb
[Reply]
Oh wow, this post was made for me. I decided to be friends with m ex cos I didn’t want to look too hurt by the break-up, and I’m generally not the confrontational, shouty type. I definitely identify with the part about trying too hard to look like I’ve moved on and am enjoying life, just so he can see I’m doing great without him. I do want to keep him as a friend cos we really get along and can talk to each other, but right now it’s tough cos we always fall into that grey area. I want to know how to delete him without it being awkward when I bump into him (we’re part of the same group of friends). Do I talk to him about deleting him beforehand, or do I just do it without explaining to him?
[Reply]
Mika Replied:
If you guys hang in the same group of friends,in a respectful manner, do your best to limit that emotional connection you once had with him. This is where the boundaries you create is a key element to prevent from stepping into that grey area. When you say delete, are you referring to cutting him off? If that’s the case, you can just treat him like you would with someone you’ve just met, polite, respectful but not giving him the same benefit of emotional intimacy and connection he once shared with you.
[Reply]
I wish I had read this a long time ago… My ex left me, over the phone in the middle of an argument no less, and I haven’t seen him since. I spent WEEKS begging then trying to be pals then begging again. I can’t seem to let it go. He will randomly contact me just to goof around (still won’t see me). I don’t understand how it’s so easy for him to not only have moved on so quick but to be my friend after ‘loving’ me so much. He’s been ‘so happy’ since the day he left and now he seems al into this new girl. Why contact me at all? Please knock some sense into me!
[Reply]
Mika Replied:
Hey Victoria,
I’m sorry for what you went through. I know it’s counter-intuitive to not contact the person who broke up with us but it’s actually more damaging—>here’s more info on Active No Contact plus a lil freebie we have for people going through a breakup.
It sounds like he’s in a constant state of rebound relationships. Rebound relationships rarely ever work because your ex hasn’t fully allowed himself to heal from the pain of your breakup, he’s suppressed all his emotions and used external stimulants like other women to feel good about himself.Eventually his pain will resurface which will add stress to his new relationship. Also, you’re making the assumption that he is 100% happy… it sounds to me that he truly is hurting inside but chooses to ignore his emotions from the breakup and rather numb himself than experience his pain–this is NOT happy and breakups will be a constant patterns for him if he doesn’t look WITHIN to heal from all this.
[Reply]
To clarify… he is officially in a new relationship as of V-Day after unofficially dating this girl for 2ish weeks… We broke up on December 30th. He told me prior that he needed to let his feelings for me fade so he didn’t mess up future relationships.. guess this means they’re pretty faded, huh?
[Reply]
Can you kindly write something on how to save a long distance relationship? When do you realize you cannot save it? when do you realize you cannot have reconciliation & reunion?
[Reply]
I 100% agree. There are too many people who either try to rush back into a relationship with their ex or worse, they rush into a (rebound) relationship with someone else. With either of those scenarios (With ex or rebound) it will usually result in failure if you haven’t yet learned how to be happy with just you and without them.
It’s been about a month since I last spoke to my ex (and that was because I ran into him, not by my choice.) I still don’t feel emotionally strong enough to really even talk to him at this point. I’ve always been fortunate to know myself and what I can handle. Eventually the day will come where I can attempt being friends with him. I know I am currently not ready. You have to be really honest with yourself and know that being friends (or them rejecting your desire to be friends) will not result in more emotional turmoil for you.
[Reply]
Hello. I can definitely relate. I was married to the love of my life for 11 years. We have two children that are 5. He decided to leave in 2009 and have been divorced now for a little over a year. I still love him and have forgiven him. I know he is unhappy, but he is living with the woman that befriended him and caused a gap in our relationship, a gap that I never realized was there at the mine. I was willing to work for it but he decided otherwise. I really would love some advice. The contact rule never worked because we have children together. Just wanted to know what I should do. The attraction to the other woman was not physical. She definitely was manipulative. What should I do ? Thank you very much for this blog. I sppreciate any input.
[Reply]
My ex and i broke up twice. The first time was mutual, like for real. We stayed friends kinda. It was hard not to, i saw her at school everyday and we had classes together. She started dating someone like a week after we broke up. She, like many girls has low self esteem and always needs to be with someone. I really don’t know what i did to get back together. I kept contact with her and did everything wrong. I guess i got lucky xD we got back together on Easter about a month and a half after splitting
[Reply]
I just wanted to say thank you so much for everything you both have done for me. My ex and engage been broken up for two months.. and now we are just talking, just about things she’s doing and hot really talking about getting back together.IM kinda confused. But IM NJ it really in a rush to get back with her… Is that wrong to feel this way?
[Reply]