The First Secret to Get Over a Break Up

Okay, so I’ve been browsing over a lot of reader surveys (yes, we actually do listen to your opinion!) and it seems to me that most of the readers here are having a tough time with figuring out how to get over a break up, dealing with an ex or a spouse or partner who feels like they’re on their way out the door, or saving a relationship from the verge of falling apart.

Anyway, I just wanted to take some time and let you know that I know exactly what it’s like to get dumped. I’ve been there myself more times than I’d really care to admit.

It feels pretty crappy, doesn’t it?

You feel like you’re losing control of your life. That relationship you thought was so solid and strong at one point, has suddenly spiraled down into this feeling of uncertainty and confusion.

Why is your ex, your partner, or whatever you want to call them doing this to you? How can you get them back? How can you just stop these crappy feelings that are taking over your life?

I’ve been there myself. I’m f*cking ashamed to admit it to a lot of people, but I’ve felt such pain before that I just couldn’t get through a day at work in one piece. I had to hide in the men’s room and just cry because being alone with all my stupid thoughts while doing some kind of monotonous task at work was more than I could take.

PS: That’s a secret, let’s just keep that between you and me (Wait? This is public on the internet? Oh shoot!)

Anyway, I want to write about:

The First Step to Get Over a Break Up:

I took a class in college called Psychology 101 (maybe you took it too!). It was one of those really big classes that had 500 people in it. I mean, the lecture hall had a balcony in it for crying out loud!

Anyway, in that class I learned about something called the locus of control.

Whoa! That sounds like some really complicated stuff, right?

Well, don’t worry. I’m going to do my best to explain it to you (and more importantly, what this has to do with what you need to do to get over a break up).

Basically it is a theory in personality psychology developed by a dude named Julian Rotter in the 1950’s.

Essentially it has to do with how we see ourselves in relation to the world around us.

Now there are two types of loci of control (nerd note: “loci” is plural of “locus”):

Internal Locus of Control – This means that you view yourself as responsible or the things that happen in your life and for the results you get in your life.

Like if you accidentally got on the wrong bus, you’d say something like “I’m such an idiot! How could I have made that mistake?”

Or if you found a $20 bill on the ground, you might think something like “I’m so smart. I’ve always got my eyes open for things like this!”

External Locus of Control – This means that you look to the world outside yourself as the cause of the results you’re getting and for what’s happening in your life.

Like if you accidentally got on the wrong bus, you’d say something like “These stupid buses need to label which route they are better so people don’t get confused.”

Or if you found $20 on the ground, you might think something like “Wow! I can’t believe no one else noticed this!”

So What Does All This Have to Do with Break Ups?

Well, if you’re anything like I was after my break up(s), you probably feel pretty lousy, right?

Take a moment and think about where your locus of control is right now.

Are you looking at external circumstances to define the results you get on are you looking at your internal self to determine your circumstances?

Okay, trick question. You’re probably doing both.

You See, There’s Another Layer to This.

Psychologists say that the most depressed people tend to have an internal locus of control for negative things in their lives and an external locus of control for positive things.

That is to say that they blame themselves when things go wrong and they write themselves off when things go well (often coming up with some kind of excuse why they just got lucky due to circumstance).

Does this sound familiar? Do you know anyone who does this? Maybe even YOU?

Well, researches went even deeper and discovered that the happiest people tended to have the exact opposite pattern. They had an internal locus of control when positive things happened and an external locus of control when it came to negative things happening.

So, they took credit when things went right (like a lucky guess) and they simply wrote it off as something they couldn’t control when things didn’t go their way.

Do you blame yourself for your break up? Do you blame yourself for your partner leaving you? If only you were better-looking, richer, more outgoing, right?

And do you look outside yourself to define your happiness? Do you cling to the idea that they’ll come back and that will make everything better?

Chances are, if you’re like I was, you’re thinking more like that first scenario.

So to get over a break up, I’m going to recommend that you start changing your thinking a bit.

Start to define your own happiness by who you are and what you do. And if you have a bad experience with your partner or ex, then consider that maybe it’s not your fault. Maybe they’re just in a bad mood.

When you do this, you’ll stop beating yourself up. You’ll stop feeling miserable every time you don’t get want you want. And you’ll start to find ways to be happy in your own life no matter what ends up happening between you and your partner.

Next Action:

In the comments take a moment and share one thing you’re going to do this weekend to be happy with or without your partner. I think, for me, there might a nice hike in nature planned out :)