How to Deal with Loneliness (Plus a Dangerously Un-Macho Story)

This is Clay. Here’s a story from my past that maybe you can relate to and a few bits of advice on how to deal with loneliness.

I remember back in 2006 after a 7 year relationship ended once and for all. I went through the usual break up emotions of depression, desperation, and that wonderful cornucopia of negative feelings.

Then a calmness settled in after a month or so. The daily pain started to melt away and before too long, I actually started to feel okay.

I signed up for a painting class to take once a week after work. It was great fun, and something I loved doing. I somehow found the courage to ask out a woman from the class.

Since I had been in the same relationship for the past 7 years (which was my high school sweetheart, no less), I pretty much had no dating skills whatsoever, and I completely blew it with this woman.

Thus, I started a chapter in my life where I did not date at all of an entire year.

If asked about it, I would tell people that I was doing this intentionally in order to heal from my break up and live my own life for once.

(However, the truth was that I felt completely pathetic and wanted to meet and date women, but had no ability to actually do this)

Nonetheless, this year-long period was extremely good for me. It was challenging beyond belief, but it was extremely good for me.

Things were normally pretty good. I’d wake up in the morning on the weekends and the air was fresh from the northwest rain. It gave me a feeling that my life was a new beginning.

I’d go and exercise at the gym. I’d read books while skulking in the back of a coffee shop. I’d paint a picture now and then. I’d go for long walks in the arboretum and just think about life.

I enjoyed the fact that I could do anything I wanted to, whenever I wanted to without having to get “permission” from someone else.

But once in awhile, the loneliness would start to get to me.

I remember one day around the holidays, I was walking down the street, past a restaurant that my ex and I went to once. I could see happy couples sitting by the window, their faces illuminated by flickering candles, engaged in deep conversations that covered their faces in smiles and  made their eyes crinkle with joy.

As I looked at them as I passed by, I couldn’t help but think, “How come it’s never me in there? Why don’t I have someone in my life to share moments like that with?“

I was several months into my year of single-hood and the frustration of loneliness started to beat down on me.

Suddenly I found myself crying. Tears mixed with the rain as I walked down the lonely street home.

Once I got home, that’s when everything came undone. That bubble of self-contented single-hood burst and every negative feeling came rushing to the surface.

What was the point of living life just walking through the world alone? Is life nothing more that a meaningless succession of bench presses, career accreditations, reading books written by long-dead famous people, wondering what the sandwich-of-the-day is at the deli by work, and shuffling through the motions to fill an empty existence?

I didn’t have many friends in life. Granted, I lived in Seattle back then, which isn’t exactly the friendliest city in the world, but it seemed like something was wrong with me. Everywhere I turned, it seemed as if everyone had friends and romantic partners in their life.

Why didn’t I?

Was I fatally flawed, somehow?

I don’t think I ever felt quite as alone and hopeless as I did that night.

When I woke up in the morning, I felt a little lighter. A good cry will usually do that. But suddenly I started to realize something else.

Feeling sorry for myself didn’t accomplish anything.

Cake and Frosting – A Metaphor for a Delicious Life

Dr. Robert Glover likes to use the metaphor of a cake. He says that you should strive to live a life that is a rewarding and delicious cake and that the relationships you have with others are like the frosting on that cake. They highlight and accent the cake, but they are not essential to the cake.

Back then, I looked too much to others to define who I was. I was trying to get an all-frosting cake for a life. Sure, from the outside it seemed like my life was okay. I was doing all the “right things” like working out, taking classes, and reading books (after all “reading is sexy”–I saw that on a bumper sticker).

But my life still was this gaping void that was waiting to be filled by other people.

The problem was in my mind and I was still living my life from a place where I needed others to define my value.

As I learned that day, many years ago, you can do everything right, but if your mind isn’t in the right place, it doesn’t amount to anything.

How to Deal with Loneliness

This weekend is Christmas. Maybe you celebrate it; maybe you don’t. But I do know that many people feel lonely during the holidays for any number of reasons. Maybe you live far away from the one’s you love. Maybe you’re going through a difficult time right now after a relationship ended.

But no matter what your situation, here are a few things you can keep in mind.

First, ask yourself why you are lonely. It can help to have a clear understanding of the situation rather than a vague sense of dissatisfaction. Maybe you’re suffering the loss of a relationship or maybe the holidays aren’t living up to those warm and uplifting “movie moments” you hold in your mind. Many times the challenges of life can diminish your self-esteem, which can in turn cause you to pull back from others and experience feelings of loneliness.

Loneliness often comes from a feeling that no one understands you or that you are somehow separate from everyone else. Does this resonate with you?

Second, learn how you cope with loneliness. When a negative feeling like loneliness grates against us for long enough, we tend to numb it out. There are many ways that a person might numb something out. For some it is through addictions to drugs, alcohol, or other behaviors (sex, video games, TV, etc.). Others fall into a depression or otherwise shut down. By limiting their openness to life they may be unconsciously trying to limit their openness to feelings of loneliness.

For me, I distracted myself by keeping busy with exercise, reading, work, and other activities. Probably the only thing that actually served as an emotional release valve was the act of painting.

Third, let go of the mindset that is creating loneliness. Do you believe that no one wants to welcome you into their life? If so, then you will be much less likely to reach out to others. Do you believe that you aren’t interesting enough, outgoing enough, attractive enough? These beliefs too will only increase feelings of separation from others.

It is easy to see the differences between others and ourselves. But it is through seeing differences that loneliness is born. Try to instead, see similarities. Similarities create connection. I can tell you from a lot of personal experience, that people have a lot more in common than not.

Fourth, take action to pull yourself out of loneliness. When we feel lonely, it is natural to believe that there is a hole inside of us that needs to be filled. We want to receive something to fill us up and remove the feeling of isolation. But that isn’t how the world works.

Love is an energy that only flows in one direction and that’s outward. Love, belonging, connection… whatever you want to call it… it isn’t something you can grasp for and pull into yourself from other people. Others are not jealously hoarding love from you.

Love is a gift that you give to others. When you pass a stranger on the street and greet them with a warm smile and a “good morning,” you are letting that energy flow out of you and connecting with another person. That instantly makes you feel better, even if it’s just a little bit, doesn’t it?

That is a small example, but the point is that love isn’t something you take from others, it’s something that is created by taking action and giving it to others. So do something whether it’s calling up a friend or striking up a conversation with a stranger.

Not all of your efforts will be met positively, and that’s okay. That’s not your fault. Not everyone is open to accept love right now (which is why one thing I saw often is that a lot of us have a problem welcoming love into our lives). However, that is not an excuse for inaction or passivity.

But, no matter what your plans are this weekend and no matter where you may be in your life right now, Mika and I sincerely hope that you enjoy yourself. The year is drawing to an end and we really want to thank you for being the early readers of this blog. Your feedback and comments truly keep us going.

There are a lot of big things on the horizon for 2012, and we really can’t wait to share them with you.

What are you up to this weekend?

Have a great holiday, and we’ll be in touch soon :)