How to Get Over a Broken Heart

So following up from last week’s completely un-macho post about getting dumped a bunch of times by this girl that I dated for 7 years (!), I’m going to write today about how to get over a broken heart.

Given that I’ve had to do this a few times in my life (and three times for the same f-ing girl, none the less!), I feel like I’m a little bit qualified to write about this.

Now, if you read some flippant garbage online, people will tell you that the easiest way to get over a broken heart is to go out and hook up with 10 random women.

Not only do I find this kind of advice particularly lame and bordering on psychopathy (“Oh yeah, bro. I’m just banging a bunch of girls so I can stop feeling anything or some shit. Let’s get wasted tonight!”), but for most guys this is a lot easier said than done.

I mean, there’s a whole lot of strange stuff out there just for guys who want to learn how to meet and seduce women.  Telling someone to just go out and hook up with random women is kind of like telling someone, “Dude, if you want to be rich, all you need to do is go to medical school and become a heart surgeon. I heard you’ll, like, make bank if you do that.” It kind of glosses over a lot of steps (like cutthroat competition and years of studying chemistry, biology, and anatomy–not to mention having the stomach to actually slice open another human being).

Okay, so that’s maybe one of the less effective ways to get over a broken heart.  Here’s what I’m going to recommend for you.

The No Contact Rule

Now, if you’ve done even a little bit of research, you’ve probably heard of the No Contact Rule.  I first heard about it in 2003 on some forum (during break up #1).

If you haven’t heard about it, it goes like this: Don’t contact your ex for about one month.

That’s it.

There are a lot of different versions.  Some people say 3 weeks.  Some people say 4 weeks.

The reason you don’t want to contact your ex for one month is because it actually gives you some time to work through all the emotional shit you’re going through after the break up.

If you stay in touch with your ex, then it’ll just make you feel like you’ve been punched in the gut every time you hear about how she cheated on you before she dumped you or how she has a new boyfriend.

You’ll heal a lot faster if you just pull away from her for the time being until you can pull yourself together completely.

Now, there are some situations that might make it difficult to completely cut contact with your ex.  Maybe you work together or have kids together.  If that’s the case, just limit the contact as much as you possibly can.  Keep your interactions strictly professional and minimize them as much as possible.

Work It Out

The next thing you’ll want to do is cope with your emotions.  It probably isn’t very “manly” to admit that you feel like shit after getting dumped, but let’s be real here.

If all you had to do to feel better was to just down a can of beer and crush it on your forehead, then you probably wouldn’t be reading this.

So, take the time you need to work out your emotions.  For me, I took a lot of long hikes in nature and I painted a lot of pictures (a hobby I’ve had for a really long time).  There were times when I felt like I could barely keep it together.  Instead of succumbing to feelings of hopelessness and getting overly depressed, I knew that I just needed to make it until I got home from work so I could go hiking or work out my feelings on a canvas.

It may feel like your feelings are completely out of control, but it’s kind of like dumping out a bottle full of water.  Even if you just let a little bit out at a time, there will eventually come a time when the bottle is completely empty (going with the same metaphor, an empty bottle is also a lot lighter than a full bottle).

Some great ways to work out emotions are exercising, playing sports, writing, art, meditation, etc.

Rebuild Your Self-Esteem

Nothing will crater your self-esteem faster than finding out that your girlfriend dumped you so she could go out with an unemployed pothead.  In fact, just getting dumped by itself will probably make you feel pretty bad (unemployed pothead aside).

After you’re done grieving the loss of your relationship, it’s important that you improve how you feel about yourself.

The best way to do this is to set goals for yourself and actually make progress toward them.

Now would be a great time to learn a new language, start hitting the gym, or become employee of the month.

The most important thing about goals is that they should be measurable.  For example, if you wanted to bench press 200 pounds, you could just start wherever you are and work your way up by 5 pounds per week until your reach your goal.  You’ll know you’ve bench pressed 200 pounds because you’ll be holding 200 fucking pounds over your chest with sweat dripping down your forehead.  There’s no doubt about whether or not you did it.

And how good would you feel if you could achieve that after working hard and busting your ass in the gym?

On the other hand, goals like “getting in shape” are completely horrible because how do you know when you are “in shape”?  It’s really vague and won’t really be of much help.

As you start to progress toward your goals, it will give you a thrill and help to slowly rebuild your self esteem, one brick at a time.

If you don’t know what kind of goals to set for yourself, start by asking yourself what you need to improve in your life in order to be the person you know you want to be.  If you’re stuck working at a job you hate, that might be a good place to start, as an example.

Or you might want to revisit all those daydreams you’ve slotted for “someday” like traveling, moving to a new city, starting your own business, etc.

So that’s how I’d recommend getting over a broken heart and starting to move on.  This is an extremely difficult thing for anyone to go through.  I mentioned this earlier, but as long as you let yourself grieve the loss of your relationship, the pain will eventually start to ease up.  Don’t feel like you have to bottle it up.  That’s just not healthy.  Focus on expressing your emotions in a healthy way and focusing your life on moving in a positive direction and you’ll be well on your way.

My question for you: If you’ve ever been through a tough break up, what have you done to end that feeling like you’re getting pummeled by a meat tenderizer in the chest?