Are You a Nice Guy?

I paced around the park across the street just trying to get my nerves under control. I had never done anything like this before. Ten minutes before my appointment, I realized there was no backing out and I went into his office and checked in with the receptionist.

Shortly later, he came out and took me back into his office. The room was filled with couches and chairs with a wooden table in the center. The whole room had a very manly feel to it–earthy with tones of brown and beige. There were a bunch of copies of his book on a bookshelf, a book I had read several times. This isn’t what I imagined a psychologist’s office to look like, but then again, this was the first one I had ever been to.

After a brief interview with me, I was in. I had joined one of Dr. Robert Glover’s men’s therapy groups.

You See, I Was a Nice Guy

I first heard of Dr. Robert Glover when I was a freshman in college. I heard an interview with him on a local radio station. He described what is known as Nice Guy Syndrome, a chronic need to meet other’s needs over your own mixed with an anxiety about voicing your own needs or emotions and a dash of passive aggressiveness (sounds like fun, huh?).

It was like he was peering into my own fucked up head! I ordered his book No More Mr. Nice Guy and tore through it quicker than I’ve ever read any other book. It was like the entire book was written about me! All those moments when I was too afraid to speak my mind or show my feelings. All those times when I felt like I just needed to take care of others. All those times when I felt compelled to just sit in my cushy comfort zone rather than reach out and do all the things that really mattered to me.

But I got caught up in school and let the book gather dust on the shelf for a few years.

About seven years later, after getting dumped and finding myself alone, I came back to that book again. I read it again and it was just as relevant as it was the first time. But this time, now that I had a real job that paid a nice livable salary, one part of the book really stuck out to me. It’s the part where Dr. Glover references his experiences with the men in his therapy groups.

Since Dr. Glover practiced in the same city I lived in, couldn’t I just join one of his groups and get the swift kick in the ass I needed to overcome this Nice Guy Syndrome that led me to this comfortable enough, yet unfulfilling life?

That’s when I nervously sent him an email that ultimately ended up with me being the eighth guy in one of his men’s groups.

So The Journey Begins…

So what was it like having a famous psychologist and seven other guys peering into my innermost thoughts and fears on a weekly basis?

At first it made me feel anxious. I mean one of the things a Nice Guy like me feels is an intense shame in expressing needs for things like affection, love, help, etc. The thought of going into a room with eight other dudes and talk about real stuff like that (not just football banter or drooling over hot girls that no one is brave enough to approach) is a bit intimidating.

But with time, a Recovering Nice Guy can start to overcome these hesitations. One of the biggest things I think I got from the whole experience of being in the men’s group with realization that fear and excitement are actually the same emotion. We just learn to label one as something to avoid and the other as something to welcome.

Once I really got this, it became fun to challenge myself to meet women (I was single back then), push myself out of my comfort zone, and really “lean into” those uncomfortable feelings that come up from time to time.

In fact, part of me really learned to love challenges. Challenges are excellent for blasting through limiting beliefs and proving them wrong.

• I used to feel terrified about leaving my hometown of Seattle, but before too long I was packing up my car and heading off to grad school in Arizona.

• I used to nauseous at the thought of approaching a woman and asking her out, but after I learned to love challenges, I ended up dating over ten women before meeting Mika about a year and a half later.

• I was afraid to leave my office job, but I found the courage to go back to grad school and get a masters degree.

• I had a fantasy of starting my own online business and traveling the world, which I’ve since done (and I’m continually working on).

Being a Nice Guy isn’t something you either are or your aren’t. Like anything else in life, it’s a continuum and it’s a constant quest to push yourself to grow. It’s never done, because as soon as it’s “done” then you start to sink back into your comfort zone and get too complacent.

But then again, you can say that about life as well. Try as hard as I could, the Nice Guy inside of me could never find that “solution” to life. Life is about reaching out and striving for happiness, trying new things, and learning to accept yourself and your partner for who they are.

What do you think? Are you a Nice Guy (take the test)? And if so, what’s your experience with the Nice Guy Syndrome? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

And if you’d like to learn more about Nice Guy Syndrome, I strongly recommend you check out the book No More Mr. Nice Guy.