Today I want to talk about People Pleasers.
What’s wrong with People Pleasers?
I mean isn’t bringing joy to others and serving the world the key to a fulfilling life?
Yes, but it all comes down to your motivation behind doing so.
If you are motivated by wellspring of love in your heart that overflows from a place of pure abundance, then you are doing it for the right reason.
If you are afraid of rocking the boat or deeply terrified that if you don’t live up to someone else’s expectations, then they will leave you, then you are doing it for the wrong reason.
Of course, this has a lot to do with boundaries and expectations.
But it also has a lot to do with the belief that your relationship is built on a shaky foundation, and you’d better fall in line or else that relationship is going to disappear.
Being a People Pleaser really comes from a perceived place of disempowerment and insecurity(is a relationship really supposed to be about power struggles and control?).
And situations like this are often laced with Covert Contracts.
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Clay
Clay drinks way too much coffee, will probably like any beer you can't see through, and loves blogging far too much to ever stop.
8 Responses to People Pleasers and the Bankrupt Game of Covert Contracts
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Wow. I’m a lil loss for words here…I’ve always considered myself more of a “PeaceKeeper” but from what you’ve mentioned about people pleasers, it sounds a lot like me!I’m always bending backwards for people, hoping that they’ll like me or remember this favor I did for them but when it doesn’t happen i feel like shit and resentment towards that person builds up. i had no idea I was making “covert contracts.”
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Mika Replied:
Hey Jensen, I used to play it safe too until I realized that playing it “safe” was essentially me betting against myself. Thanks for stopping by and finding the courage to be open and honest here, that’s the first step to getting the love you want–self-awareness.
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Hi Jensen,
Used to think like you too. Was always bendin backwards for people and often was left with the “short stick.” It really suxs. Now i’m just trying to speak up more often. it really surprises people at first, like… “hey this person has balls now, way to go!” Definitely a different mentality there. Luv the work you guys do on this blog. it’s straight up honest.
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Mika Replied:
Thanks, Toby. We do what we can:)
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“Oh please! Love me! I hate myself and I’m secretly worried that I’m going to be alone in life! But if I pretend to be what you want me to be, maybe you’ll love me and fill up this gaping hole inside of me so that I don’t have to actually learn how to love myself!”
That quote really hit home… thanks, I needed that!
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Mika Replied:
Hey Liz,
Really glad that hit home with you:) Thanks for your comment.
xx!-Mika
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I am a people pleaser. First of all I must tell you I was involved in motor vehicle accident a long time ago. I used a wheelchair for a while as I was unable to walk. I progressed to a rollator and I use a single crutch now and I have been officially classified as being disabled.However I can walk unaided, I even ride bicycle. However as I experienced sever head trauma I later developed cerebral palsy which affected balance, speach etc. I have overcome or have adapted to these problems. To get to the relatinship problems. I am 48 years old , have never really had a girlfriend and I am therefore still a virgin. Whenever I start speaking to ladies, it inevitably turns out that we become friends and it goes no further than that. Before I start, I start off with a disadvantage. To top it all, I am not permited to drive a motor vehicle of any type.Thus I have no real friends and I am unable to get out to socialize to make friends / girlfriends. I have tried through the internet but as soon as anyone hears I have no transport or that I am slightly different, they disappear. I realise that I’m getting older and soon I’m going to be completely on my own and then I don’t know what I’ll do. I see my situation as completely hopeless. As I’m in South Africa and of the so called previously advantaged race viz.white/caucasion, I don’t see a way out for me. I’ve been lonley since The MVA (I was 16 ) and by the looks of things I’ll probabally die lonely. I don’t know what to do.
regards James
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Mika Replied:
Hey James,
I’m sorry for the hardships you’ve experienced. I can only imagine. You mentioned you have no real friends and unable to go out there and socialize. How much of that is part of your own limiting beliefs talking? Regardless of your physical setbacks, you’re allowing rejection to define your love life–As soon as women hear you don’t have XYZ…they leave you.<–is that really it. Like if you had a car, women will drop out of the sky like manna?
What if it had nothing to do with external factors? What if it had entirely to do with how YOU bring yourself to the situation and what vibes you’re giving out? Yes, you may have extra hurdles due to your disabilities but the kind of woman who you want in your life is not going to let shallow bs reasons to bother her. If you’re looking for just ANYONE to love you, than you’re exuding that message and that is going to hinder your chances of finding a woman who can look past your physical disabilities. My advice is to start putting yourself out there even more than you already are. EVERY man regardless of their physical situation, struggles when it comes to dating. Given your situation, you will have to take extra measures to put yourself out there to increase your chances of establishing that connection. Even if get rejected, it does VALIDATE that you are unlovable. The only way you can stand head and shoulders above all the other men out there is by looking within and changing the relationship you have with yourself, thus changing the dynamic of your relationship with the world.
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