Why I Hate Valentines Day (What Did You Expect?)

So, here it is. The day before Valentines Day.

I’d really prefer not to write about this, but I feel like I have no choice.

I mean this is a relationship advice blog, after all. Chances are you’ve already got a box of chocolates stashed away in your closet ready to ambush someone with tomorrow anyway.

So what’s my deal? What’s caused me to become a curmudgeon? Why do I hate Valentines Day? Have I given up on love? Don’t I enjoy flying babies attacking me with projectile weaponry?

No, this isn’t some rant about how Valentine’s Day should be celebrated every day, or anything mushy like that. I’m sure you’ve probably gotten a lot of that by now already.

Instead what irks me about Valentines Day is the wonderful display of expectation.

Most people see Valentines Day as a time when men are expected to shell out a bunch of money to impress the woman in their life with an opulent display of chocolate  and jewelry and romance and wining and dining.

Women expect men to shower them with an avalanche of goodies and presents as proof that they love them. And in return they reciprocate the favor with a cute dress, a smile, and maybe something more (but only if you “play your cards right”).

And all the single people have this desperate and frenzied urge to hook up with just about anyone (even you-know-who from the accounting department, who otherwise wouldn’t get a second look), all so they don’t have to endure the “horror” of spending Valentines Day alone (you know, while literally everyone else on the planet is sucking face and doing the horizontal mambo–every last one of us, except YOU!).

Romance Is in the Air!

Or at least that’s what a lot of people decide to call it this time of year.

If anything like that happened in August, we’d call it childish expectations, unreasonable demands, mass hysteria, or even emotional blackmail.

But for some reason, around mid-February, this kind of thing passes for romance.

Imagine what would happen if you didn’t live up to the expectations…

Can you hear the screaming, the pouting, the temper tantrums? You dropped the ball, ruined your partner’s Valentines Day, it’s all your fault!

Yikes!

Let’s have a Panic Attack About Love!

Expectations are the one of the biggest causes of conflict in relationships, and this day allegedly devoted to love, inflates expectations to an astronomical level.

When we create these expectations, we’re creating what Dr. Robert Glover would call a “covert contract” with our partners. We are wordlessly setting the expectations that if we fulfill our end of the bargain, that we are entitled to the reward that we “deserve.”

Sort of like the most passive-aggressive form of quid-pro-quo you can imagine.

“If I buy you an expensive gift, you’ll love me.”

“If we hook up, you’ll make me feel special.”

So we fulfill our part of the deal and sit back expecting our partner to deliver their half (which they never agreed to, by the way)…

…And if they don’t?

Well, the whole world is falling apart! He must not love you! She’s just a gold-digger! Oh my God, you really are unlovable!

After you talk yourself down from the ledge, I’d like you to consider how these expectations are taking you further away from what you really want.

So, maybe it sucks when people don’t live up to your expectations. Why should we be hedging our bets against the lowest common denominator? Your boyfriend is different, right?

He’d never let you down, right? He can probably read your mind and knows exactly what you want. He’d never miss a beat and let you down.

(But if he did… well, he’d never hear the end of it!)

Aside from the possibility that he might not actually fulfill his part of the deal and your expectations might be dashed, this kind of thinking isn’t very good for you–or romantic, for that matter!

Why Aren’t Romantic Expectations Good?

Because you’re so focused on things being one way or the other that you’re completely closed off to them being any other way.

You lose sight of what could be or of the possibilities between you and your partner, and you just cling to your expectations.

You’re, in effect, missing out on everything because you’re not there, in the present moment, with your partner. You’re not actually connecting with them, enjoying them, welcoming them just as they are (happy, sad, romantic, depressed, stressed out, or whatever).

You’re off in your head, planning what you’re going to say to your friends on the 15th about all the wonderful things your partner got for you, practicing how you’re going to react to that surprise, or thinking about something else.

Even comparing your expectations to what actually is happening isn’t going to make you happy.

If you’re sitting there pouting because your wife isn’t “in the mood” after you’ve spent a few hundred bucks on romancing her, understand that you’re comparing her to your expectations of how you want her to be.

And when you’re off in your mind comparing or judging something, you’re definitely not in the present moment, accepting what’s really happening.

You See, Love Happens in the Present Moment

It’s only when we dwell in the present moment that we are truly able to see someone and be with them. It’s only when we accept them exactly how they are, in whatever mood they may happen to be in, that we can even begin to have a real and genuine interaction with them.

And maybe I’m old fashioned, but isn’t that what you really want on Valentines Day?

Don’t you want those “small moments” where you can just be together and it feels like everything else in the world just falls away? Where you’re off in your own private bubble with your partner, connected, and just enjoying being together?

The way to get that is not to hold these expectations or make “covert contracts.”

It’s to actually let go of those things and to simply be there with them, whether you’re at a fancy restaurant or caught in the rain waiting for a bus. To simply accept them whether they are happy or playful or angry or sobbing or screaming at you. To be there and express compassion whether the two of you are riding high and tomorrow couldn’t seem brighter or if you’re stuck in the depths of your darkest hour and life just keeps getting smaller.

Love doesn’t come from demanding it. Love isn’t conditional on met expectations.

Love comes from being present and enjoying the beauty of the present moment with another person.

The No-Expectation Challenge

So, no matter what you’ve got planned for the 14th, I’d like to challenge you to let go of any expectations you might have and just be with your partner. Let their presence flow over you and impact you and just enjoy being with them in the moment. Doesn’t that feel better than waiting for that hidden engagement ring?

And if you’re single this year, don’t let that get to you either. Just enjoy being with yourself. Don’t feel the need to hook up with someone or dwell in misery. Just enjoy a night to yourself and treat yourself to a little you time. Doesn’t that feel better that the compulsive need to find someone at the last minute to validate your worth?

I hope you all have a happy Valentines Day free from expectations and filled with genuine love.

[photo credits: Falashad, Don Meliton, Kalyan02]