[In case you’re wondering, this post is a follow up to this previous one which detailed my desperate spiral into a helpless and distraught state in a foreign country. I know this story is quite long, but we’re getting to the good part here :)]
Clay and I got a four-pack at a 7-eleven and walked around Chiang Mai’s dark and quiet alleys (for some reason they don’t have six-packs in Thailand…).
The streets were narrow and the street lights cast a pale sickening green light on the masonry walls that lined the edges of the street. The occasional stray dog or cat cast a shadow along the walk as it scurried just outside of my field of vision.
I remember walking with a beer in hand and my hand in Clay’s when we had a conversation that completely changed how I lived my life (It’s okay to drink in public in Thailand–at least that’s what everyone told me…).
And it was in this darkness… I finally confronted my worst enemy.
One of the dark streets of Chiang Mai
Up until this point, I clung to my circumstances to try to prove I was good enough.
I relied OUTSIDE of myself to validate my self-worth. In the past, I can admit to relying on:
- Clay’s love to make me feel whole and complete.
- My finances to make me feel happy, safe and secure.
- My physical appearance to feel beautiful and worthy. (My undergarments and hair to feel sexy. Damn those Victoria Secrets model and their super-sexiness!)
- The several fad diets I tortured myself with (I was an emotional eater due to early traumas in life)
- And I’ve relied on other people’s opinions to validate my worth and lot in life.
But that night Clay and I had a talk that went so much deeper than the usual fluff that people talk about.
I needed some real help and our relationship was frayed and hanging on by a thread.
We talked about some concepts that Clay had learned about a long time ago before we met. It was about a game that happens beneath the surface of what most people believe is controlling their life.
We talked about how the pains and trauma from our childhood formed our beliefs about ourselves. Our inner most beliefs attract people and situations in our lives. If you attract the wrong people in your life, it’s because on a deeper sense, you want what is familar to you.
Your perspective of the world, the people around you and yourself makes up your reality.
And it was from all of this that I was able to see, for the first time, my enemy’s true form.
Out of the shadows of my heart, she finally revealed herself.
I’ve since come to know her as “Dirty Harriet.”
But I suppose most people could call her their inner critic… The sum of every limiting belief they’ve ever had.
And for the first time in my whole life, I could see her creating, single-handedly, every single ounce of suffering, conflict, disappointment, jealousy, argument, misunderstanding, night spent sobbing myself to sleep, and everything else that had ever happened in my adult life.
And in that moment, I made a very powerful choice.
I chose then and there that this dark force was no longer going to be driving my life, my relationships, and my self-esteem into the ground.
It was in that moment that I dropped all those feelings of resentment, bitterness, and clingy desperation which exuded in the depths of my core.
And what happened when I did this?
Suddenly, Clay was less of an opponent to be schemed and plotted against. Suddenly, I no longer had to hedge my bets wondering “what if he leaves me?”, “what if he doesn’t love me anymore?”, “what if tell him how I really feel?”, and basically any other form of “I don’t believe in me.”
And suddenly, I let go of all of that I started betting on myself and my relationship in a very big way.
Me at the festival in Chiang Mai
I realized that when I actually nourished my own inner self, all the problems in my relationship just went away.
There was no more jealousy, resentment, insecurity, feelings of disconnection, wondering what he was thinking or feeling, or any of that other stuff.
And it was through this inner transformation that I was finally able to get everything I really wanted, but struggled so hard to get before when I was grasping desperately for love and validation.
It just became so easy!
And that’s when the whole game radically changed.
Forever.
There’s a very real revolution taking place right now. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had just fallen knee-deep into it.
And it changed my life.
But I wasn’t the only one who has been plagued by “Dirty Harriet.” Others have too!
Table of contents:
Mika
Mika loves to help others overcome their transparent beliefs that prevent them from having the love they want. She does regular live online presentations on thriving relationships where she also answers live questions. Mika is not a fan of being tickled and one day Clay will realize this as they have way too many tickle fights.
20 Responses to Will You Join Me? (And Be One of the Countless Lights Filling the Night)
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As Seen On…
Wow, Mika! That’s such a beautiful video! And such a touching story too. Yes, of course I’d love to be part of this. I can’t wait to see what you’ve got in the works.
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Mika Replied:
Joslin,
Thank you soo much for your kind words. Clay and I can’t wait to share with you what we’ve been working sooo hard on… just for you:)
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Yes, I want to have a better relationship each and every day. I want to get rid of those negative emotions and so forth. I’m looking forward for your upcoming things.
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Mika Replied:
Getting rid of those negative emotions took a lot of practice and effort but the outcome was way more than worth it:) Seriously, what Clay and I have in store for you all is INVALUABLE:)
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Casey Replied:
Indeed Mika, I can’t wait for your upcoming stories. I need lots of practices and efforts to make sure this relationship is going to be the fabulous one. :)
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VERY inspiring ending to your amazing journey. I felt it totally resonate with me and felt it push my dirty harriet out the door. I want in!!
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Mika Replied:
Thanks Brittany:) I’m so excited and honored that all this resonated with you:)
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This is just absolutely beautiful. I, too, have a very jaded past from childhood on up and have been seeking a way to transform my negative thinking for many many years now. I want a healthy relationship with my husband. We are both in a very good spot right now, but I still have that nagging voice that tells me something is wrong. I want to be a part of this revolution. And I’m looking forward to whatever it is you have to offer in the near future :)
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Mika Replied:
It’s good to know I’m not the only one with a tough childhood that framed many of her limiting beliefs about herself. Glad to hear you’re on board:)
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Mika, I am amazed at your vulnerability in writing this story. It is wonderful to have people like you and Clay share intimate details to inspire and give hope to people who may not have any. I think it is wonderful! (I have always been fascinated with the lantern ceremonies as well as I find them peaceful, beautiful, and reassuring somehow.) I started reading your blog because my relationship was ending, now it has ended and I am still in love with this man. Your story helps me feel stronger in myself. I am still hoping that he and I get back together but now I know if we don’t I still have the strength to look for love again. Thank you so much for sharing, I will continue to read everything!
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Mika Replied:
Karen,
So touched by your comment. That is basically the reason why we started this blog– to help people through their toughest time and help them find the strength to change their lives… From within.
Much love & light,
Mika
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Mika, I loved your 3 part series and the videos made the series even more touching! Wish we had traditions like these in America. Thanks so much for sharing your story and it has opened my eyes to my inner critic and I’m hoping to change for the better. Have a blessed day!
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Mika Replied:
Rosemary,
My intention for these posts was to be able to help others be more aware of what maybe the very thing that might be holding them back from the love they want–themselves:)
xx! Mika
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I wish that I could be a part of your revolution but it appears that you need two people to join this revolution and I myself am alone even though I am in a relationship. My fiance (kind of funny because I do not believe we will ever get married) does not believe that she needs to change anything about herself and that I should just accept her for who she is. That would be fine by me if she could also accept me for who I am. Unfortunately, she does not accept me for who I am and tells me every day about what I need to change about myself. She also uses love as a weapon when she “suggests” these changes. Anywho, I am glad to have read your advice and hope that one day I will get enough courage to let her know that I am fine the way I am and if she would only accept her life and not want me to be someone else then maybe things would work out. Until then I will be the loneliest man in a relationship that anyone has ever met.
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Clay Replied:
@Robert, I can absolutely relate to what you’re going through, and I want you to know that this revolution is 100% up your alley. I know that sometimes the loneliest people in the world can be the ones that are in relationships or surrounded by others. If you want real and genuine connection, then this is right for you! (Sorry for stealing the spotlight from Mika…)
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Such lovely words Mika!
Many thanks for sharing this part of your life with us. I feel super motivated now and inspired to confront the toxic thoughts that emerge by letting them go instead of feeding them with attention, giving them power and hold over me.
Can’t wait for your next post!
Much love,
Tali
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Mika Replied:
Tali,
I am really glad you enjoyed it:) Clay and I do our best to help inspire others to have the love they truly want and deserve:)
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Beautiful Mika, and inspiring. I love the symbolism of the video and this transformation. My Dirty Harriet has many forms and I would love to know the “mechanics” of this transformation. Thank you for sharing a beautiful story and am looking forward to hearing more about what you have in store.
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Mika Replied:
Agni,
It’s amazing how everything just fell into place…I had no idea that back then all that has happened will help be in the most loving relationship ever with my partner AND myself. Thanks for stopping by:)
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Mika, I had tears in my eyes reading this.
I too wish the planet earth could be free of useless suffering.
Stella
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