[In case you’re wondering, this post is a follow up to this previous one which detailed my desperate spiral into a helpless and distraught state in a foreign country. I know this story is quite long, but we’re getting to the good part here :)]
Clay and I got a four-pack at a 7-eleven and walked around Chiang Mai’s dark and quiet alleys (for some reason they don’t have six-packs in Thailand…).
The streets were narrow and the street lights cast a pale sickening green light on the masonry walls that lined the edges of the street. The occasional stray dog or cat cast a shadow along the walk as it scurried just outside of my field of vision.
I remember walking with a beer in hand and my hand in Clay’s when we had a conversation that completely changed how I lived my life (It’s okay to drink in public in Thailand–at least that’s what everyone told me…).
And it was in this darkness… I finally confronted my worst enemy.
Up until this point, I clung to my circumstances to try to prove I was good enough.
I relied OUTSIDE of myself to validate my self-worth. In the past, I can admit to relying on:
- Clay’s love to make me feel whole and complete.
- My finances to make me feel happy, safe and secure.
- My physical appearance to feel beautiful and worthy. (My undergarments and hair to feel sexy. Damn those Victoria Secrets model and their super-sexiness!)
- The several fad diets I tortured myself with (I was an emotional eater due to early traumas in life)
- And I’ve relied on other people’s opinions to validate my worth and lot in life.
But that night Clay and I had a talk that went so much deeper than the usual fluff that people talk about.
I needed some real help and our relationship was frayed and hanging on by a thread.
We talked about some concepts that Clay had learned about a long time ago before we met. It was about a game that happens beneath the surface of what most people believe is controlling their life.
We talked about how the pains and trauma from our childhood formed our beliefs about ourselves. Our inner most beliefs attract people and situations in our lives. If you attract the wrong people in your life, it’s because on a deeper sense, you want what is familar to you.
Your perspective of the world, the people around you and yourself makes up your reality.
And it was from all of this that I was able to see, for the first time, my enemy’s true form.
Out of the shadows of my heart, she finally revealed herself.
I’ve since come to know her as “Dirty Harriet.”
But I suppose most people could call her their inner critic… The sum of every limiting belief they’ve ever had.
And for the first time in my whole life, I could see her creating, single-handedly, every single ounce of suffering, conflict, disappointment, jealousy, argument, misunderstanding, night spent sobbing myself to sleep, and everything else that had ever happened in my adult life.
And in that moment, I made a very powerful choice.
I chose then and there that this dark force was no longer going to be driving my life, my relationships, and my self-esteem into the ground.
It was in that moment that I dropped all those feelings of resentment, bitterness, and clingy desperation which exuded in the depths of my core.
And what happened when I did this?
Suddenly, Clay was less of an opponent to be schemed and plotted against. Suddenly, I no longer had to hedge my bets wondering “what if he leaves me?”, “what if he doesn’t love me anymore?”, “what if tell him how I really feel?”, and basically any other form of “I don’t believe in me.”
And suddenly, I let go of all of that I started betting on myself and my relationship in a very big way.
I realized that when I actually nourished my own inner self, all the problems in my relationship just went away.
There was no more jealousy, resentment, insecurity, feelings of disconnection, wondering what he was thinking or feeling, or any of that other stuff.
And it was through this inner transformation that I was finally able to get everything I really wanted, but struggled so hard to get before when I was grasping desperately for love and validation.
It just became so easy!
And that’s when the whole game radically changed.
There’s a very real revolution taking place right now. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had just fallen knee-deep into it.
And it changed my life.
But I wasn’t the only one who has been plagued by “Dirty Harriet.” Others have too!
Mika loves to help others overcome their transparent beliefs that prevent them from having the love they want. She does regular live online presentations on thriving relationships where she also answers live questions. Mika is not a fan of being tickled and one day Clay will realize this as they have way too many tickle fights.